Builiding Bonds

Hello family and friends,

As we begin the journey with Titus Hui (our new son!)  we want to remind and encourage you to remember that up until now he has had no real permanent attachments.  We want to let him know we are his for as long as we are living.  We want you to partner with us in this journey.  We really think Sunita’s bond with us is so strong because of the way you helped us encourage her to seek us as her parents first.  Titus Hui is older and has more to work through.  We plan to have no one else care for him (needs being met by anyone else) for about a year, as the first four months will be crucial for attachment.  We also ask that you:

Don’t solicit attention or initiate games.  If he initiates play (like peek-a-boo) its okay to play back.  It’s especially important that if he is playing with or paying attention to either mom or dad that you do everything to promote that play rather than vie for his attention

He seems to get over stimulated (much like Sunita) so try to play low key games with him.  Now, he is a rambunctious and playful boy, but try to watch for the intensity change in him.  If you see a spastic, hitting, overmuch reaction (even though he may still be smiling and laughing) – he probably is not really having fun anymore, but instead coping the only way he knows how.

He has a sensory issue of NOT liking to be touched in many ways.  So if he touches you that is wonderful but please don’t force him to be touched in anyway.  Not a pat on the arm, head, or leg.  He is adjusting to mom and dad touches but unless he is in a super good mood, he generally doesn’t like it.

Finally, and most importantly, we ask that nobody else meet any of his needs – no feeding, giving drinks, responding to crying/fussing IN ANY WAY.  The BEST thing you can do for him is redirecting his attention/needs, etc to us as his parents during these crucial months of bonding.  Please do not meet his needs, but do everything you can to help us do so.

We understand that this may feel strange or odd to many of you. Others of you may feel like we are going way too far and that we are being ridiculous. We know that. We also are doing what we feel (and what a lot of research has shown us) will give Titus Hui the best shot at the wonderful and full life God intended for him. Please forgive us, ahead of time, if we seem short and/or if we correct you when you automatically/instinctively go to help Hui. We understand that the natural inclination of adults with new kids in their lives is to engage and comfort and we understand that sometimes you might not intend to bust the boundaries we’ve asked of you and that you’ve just done what’s natural. We’re all in this together and lots of grace is going to be required on all sides.

This is a blog post from a friend of ours and her thoughts from the other side (she is also an extremely smart, talented, psychologist).

We thank you so much for journeying with us.  We feel blessed we have you in our lives.

6 thoughts on “Builiding Bonds”

  1. Excellent reminders- thanks for giving us great information and insight into the ‘why’ of what you’re doing. Continued prayers as you bond and grow into a secure, forever family.

  2. Amy!!! Do you remember me? Lisa Andrewjeski, married your biology pal, Paul, from George Fox. I was directed to your blog by Shaun and Gypsy Martin. As God would have it, they are in our community group up in Camas. We made the connection that Shaun was Jared’s cousin a while back, but I haven’t had a chance to check out your blog or try to connect until now. I am blessed beyond words to read your entries. AND, all of this attachment information is SO good to tell people!!! When you get a chance (not that that will be anytime soon with a new babe), shoot me an email. We would love to see you guys. I’m heading to Haiti in a couple of weeks to help at an orphanage in Port au Prince. After that, we’re submitting our application to adopt from Ethiopia. We have two daughters, Ella 5, Emilie almost 2 already. Anyway, such a small world.

  3. Thanks so much, Amy for such specific guidance! We’ll be praying for the best start possible for you all, and for understanding from all of your cheerleaders 🙂

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