It turns out I am not enough to fix my kids. I don’t have enough love or enough tools to heal their inside hurts. I can only sit humbly and thankfully at the feet of Jesus knowing His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my brokenness.
Titus has started sleeping poorly. I had a melt down, verge of crazy-town, ugly cry during the night. (That’s normal, right?) I CANNOT do this again. I can’t have a poor sleeper again. My body CANNOT take it. I tried to tell God. I tried to bargain and plead and literally cry out. I’m at the end of my no-sleep rope. I do not know where to go from here. He has been with us for 5 weeks. Often after adopted kids are home and settled then the grief begins to show. I think he is showing his grief and I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT. I don’t know how to help my poor teary kids who don’t sleep. We have routines. We don’t watch TV or play rowdy games before bed. We do bath and books and bed like clockwork. We don’t have lights on. We have sound blockers. We have tried OTC drugs, herbal supplements, and even surgery (tonsillectomy for Sunita). Still my babies cry out in the night for comfort and sometimes more than once an hour. I don’t know how I’m going to do this nightly routine again with another child unless through the grace of God. I honestly can’t see a path before me, but I trust in the One who can heal my kids, even while I fall shockingly short.
Also, lately, Sunita has been asking to go live with her Indian mom, or at least her Indian caretaker. I’m ashamed to say, I’ve been irritated and annoyed by this (and even, although it horrifies me to admit it, thinking how she should count herself lucky to have a family). It bothers me in a way I never expected it would. That is, it did bother me, until I remembered that in a perfect world she would be with her biological family. And although I believe God blessed us by choosing us to be her family, it isn’t part of a perfect world, but a fallen one. Sunita’s heart doesn’t love me less because she thinks about and hopes for what God’s original plan would have given her. And I know she wouldn’t trade me for anyone else, only that she is curious and wants to know the person who gave her life. I am thankful God is big enough to handle this too, because Heaven knows I’ve fallen short (again! sheesh! get it together girl!). I am so sure of His great love to my children that I know He will give me all I need to be a broken, yet beautiful mother to them.
It is amazing to be so broken, so fallen, so “not enough” and to know the Lord of the Earth is enough, and for all of us.