I’m Not Enough

It turns out I am not enough to fix my kids.  I don’t have enough love or enough tools to heal their inside hurts. I can only sit humbly and thankfully at the feet of Jesus  knowing His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my brokenness.

Titus has started sleeping poorly.  I had a melt down, verge of crazy-town, ugly cry during the night.  (That’s normal, right?)  I CANNOT do this again.  I can’t have a poor sleeper again.  My body CANNOT take it.  I tried to tell God.  I tried to bargain and plead and literally cry out.  I’m at the end of my no-sleep rope.  I do not know where to go from here.  He has been with us for 5 weeks.  Often after adopted kids are home and settled then the grief begins to show.  I think he is showing his grief and I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT.  I don’t know how to help my poor teary kids who don’t sleep.  We have routines.  We don’t watch TV or play rowdy games before bed.  We do bath and books and bed like clockwork.  We don’t have lights on.  We have sound blockers.  We have tried OTC drugs, herbal supplements, and even surgery (tonsillectomy for Sunita).  Still my babies cry out in the night for comfort and sometimes more than once an hour.  I don’t know how I’m going to do this nightly routine again with another child unless through the grace of God.  I honestly can’t see a path before me, but I trust in the One who can heal my kids, even while I fall shockingly short.

Also, lately, Sunita has been asking to go live with her Indian mom, or at least her Indian caretaker.  I’m ashamed to say, I’ve been irritated and annoyed by this (and even, although it horrifies me to admit it, thinking how she should count herself lucky to have a family).  It bothers me in a way I never expected it would.  That is, it did bother me, until I remembered that in a perfect world she would be with her biological family.  And although I believe God blessed us by choosing us to be her family, it isn’t part of a perfect world, but a fallen one.  Sunita’s heart doesn’t love me less because she thinks about and hopes for what God’s original plan would have given her.  And I know she wouldn’t trade me for anyone else, only that she is curious and wants to know the person who gave her life.  I am thankful God is big enough to handle this too, because Heaven knows I’ve fallen short (again! sheesh! get it together girl!).  I am so sure of His great love to my children that I know He will give me all I need to be a broken, yet beautiful mother to them.

It is amazing to be so broken, so fallen, so “not enough” and to know the Lord of the Earth is enough, and for all of us.

8 thoughts on “I’m Not Enough”

  1. I don’t have an answer for you but I do have a hug. I know what the books say about sleeping, but quite frankly after having NON. . . not a single one of my children who would sleep through the night until they were atleast 18 months old, I gave up on the books. When our little guy needs it, he now quietly climbs into our bed. When the two new ones come home, I plan to have either sleeping bags or even a toddler bed also in our room. Secretly, I am praying they all cozy up together in one of their rooms LOL! I know it goes against the books but if you have ever met me without a good nights sleep I am pretty sure they would have an excerpt in there books!!

  2. Amy I know you have all the love you need. You may not have found the right tools,Yet. Knowing you, things will get to where they need to be. Love you all Mom and I.

  3. Amy my heart is with you on this. When Megan was young she used to threaten me to go live with her dad. I wasn’t a believer at the time and I didn’t handle it so well. I was hurt by her needs that I wasn’t enough. Your wisdom, your transparency, your love is amazing. And maybe sleep is overrated? (jk) That from the mom who woke up every night during my pregnancy and then until Meg was 2 and finally slept through the night…all while working fulltime…. and maybe there was some treks in the snow, not sure. Hang in there. God does have a very good plan. hugs

  4. amy your honesty and transparency are such a gift. i love that you are willing to share the pain and also the truth (even though the knowledge of it doesn’t help the heart pain) that you know that sunita wouldn’t trade you. these kinds of oxymorons are so difficult to make sense of. thank you for being an example of authentic living!

  5. Loved this post – so transparent. I am currently struggling with a non-sleeper as well. We met her in June, and she started to get better in the sleep department by October. But then she was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago for just one night, and we’ve started back to square one. *sigh* Not in my own strength, but His.

  6. Would you be willing to let us feature this post of yours on “We Are Grafted In”? I love your transparency and I know many of our readers would be able to relate with you.
    I’d just need a brief bio and a pic to use when it is reposed.
    Let me know!

  7. Oy vey! Losing sleep is one of the worst forms of torture in my book. Thankfully God can mend even this brokenness. Prayers that happens soon. Thank you Lord for your grace!

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