Deep Thinking

My blog isn’t about deep thinking.  Yet, ever since we adopted (and this is probably true of anyone who has children), there is an added gravity to my life.

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to write and post pictures.  I was reading this post by Lisa (supermom of 11 and writer of A Bushel and a Peck) and couldn’t help but wonder if my blogging is something more than a personal journal the world can see.  Is it all me, me, me?  Or munchkin, munchkin, munchkin?

I hope not.

This leads me to this post.  A post whose primary purpose is to connect you to another post about God and Adoption, written by Tonggu Momma, writer of Our Little Tongginator (linked to by supermom Lisa).  This post does an excellent job of summing up how I feel about adoption.  The comments are also worth reading.

To summarize: I wrote a post so I could have you read another person’s blog that contains deep thoughts.  Stellar.

“Pregnancy” Pains

I had forgotten how much I find the paperwork for the adoption to be:

1) tedious

2) ridiculous

3) hopelessly bureaucratic

Today, because it is spring break and because I’ve left it entirely too long, I decided I would (with the “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can” mentality) get all the last paperwork needed to have our packet for our home study complete.

My first stop was the bank.  All I needed was a letter on bank letterhead that said how much was in our account, whether we have any loans with them and if so if we are paying on time, and how long we’ve been customers.  The form letter we had as an example from the adoption agency ended with ” To the best of our knowledge they are responsible, respectable, and honest people.”  We have been banking at this institution for 11 years.  I was there for OVER an hour.  Why?  Because they had to call and get permission to write the letter.  Because they had to discuss what could and could not be put in the letter. Because the person who was supposed to write the letter was also the notary so it had to be decided who would be the proper authority to sign the letter (a notary cannot both sign and notarize a document).  It was a three sentence form letter.  Over an hour.  Yep, gotta love that.  Oh, and they couldn’t include the line about us being responsible, respectful, and honest as far as they know.  ‘Cause, you know, we could come back with a lawsuit and say, “See they said we are honest?!?”  Wait, huh?

Next on the agenda, I was trying to get state police clearance.  Basically the state needs to provide our criminal record in this state (of course we have none).  So I call the state.  They tell me that only agencies can request that, not individuals, end of discussion.  I call International Family Services, our agency (who is great!) and they explain what we will do.  We have to fill out a form and go get our fingerprints done in McMinnville or Beaverton, then we bring our fingerprints and the form back to IFS, then they mail it to the state.  Redundant much?

And this is just the beginning.  This is for the home study.  This isn’t yet for any country but ours. Le sigh, le moan.  I look at pictures of waiting kids though (see them yourself here or here) and I remember why we do this.  They inspire me to try harder, to do more, to get this paperwork done, regardless of how I feel about it.

Start, Spark, Begin

As the New Year resolutions begin to wind down and become tangled in the day-to-day operation of good intention (in my case it often stops there) I can’t help but think that is why I don’t think 2010 (or any other year) will be THE YEAR that makes me or others truly different.  But, I can’t stop hoping to start again either.

For me, the changing of the year doesn’t hold the promise it does for some.  It’s the middle of winter, I’ve gained the holiday weight, and it’s raining outside with little chance of stopping until May.  So I think I really prefer my new beginnings in the spring.

In the spirit of the season (even if it isn’t stirring my soul) there is a spark of positive change in the wind for us.

We are hoping to make some changes in this household.  We don’t have the resources we need to live the life God is calling us to live.  We live comfortably, lacking nothing, and are pretty spoiled in many ways.  But, we need to change our spending habits.  We need to change our home.  We need to change our lifestyle.  All that if we want to add another member to our family through adoption, if I ever get to be a full-time stay at home mom, or if we ever want more room in our house.

So, here are some of our activities this month and some of our intentions for the year.

This month we’ve been doing the “Eat From the Pantry Challenge”.  We have continued to buy milk and eggs, but otherwise we are trying hard to just eat up what we already have.  It’s surprising how much we have tucked away and how easy it has been.  Not all the meals have been stellar, but all have been edible.

We are cleaning the garage and I wish I had taken pictures.  It went from trash-heap to a usable workspace.  Now to start using the workspace to create some things to make changes around our home.

We are beginning to use coupons again after a hiatus of not using them (partly because we stopped getting the newspaper and mostly because I am lazy). Now Hubby is getting them online.

We hope to begin living on only Hubby’s paycheck. We haven’t done that in years past and we aren’t sure yet if it will be a reality for us in the future.

We hope to pay off Husband’s school loans.  They aren’t overwhelming (like mine), and we are tired of having them around.

We hope to begin volunteering in our community once a month, in ministries we believe in and are drawn to.  As Christians, I thought we probably should know who the “least of these” are in our community.

We hope to have less screen time in our lives.  Less TV, less browsing, less blogs, less phones/iPods/games, just less.  And to replace it with relationships and fruitful labor.

This year, I hope to live my priorities.

I would love to hear from those who read this (family and friends) how do you save?  What have you done recently that was fulfilling? Challenging? Helpful to yourselves or others?  What goals top your list?

Family Expansion II

Well, we submitted our application for adoption #2 to International Family Services in mid-December.  For the first adoption, I started blogging about half-way through the process and really in some ways that makes the most sense.

Our family and dear friends already understand, and most other people who read this blog have already been through (or are going through) adoption, so they get it.  Other people might not.  This first step is like saying you are trying to get pregnant.  You don’t know if you can get pregnant but you assume you can.  People start asking you about it.  You may get pregnant right away or it make take a long time or it may never happen.  If it doesn’t happen right away then SOME people begin to feel sorry for you.  So, I debated whether to share this or whether to wait until we actually have something in the way of real news.  But if I’m going to show you all how I leave flammable hot mitts in the oven while cooking, then this shouldn’t raise any eyebrows, right?

What we’ve done is made the decision to do this again.  We have no idea how long this will take or what country we will adopt from but we are up for the journey.  And even though this is part deux we have no expectation this process will even faintly resemble our last.  But I will try to keep the blog updated.

Whatever happens next we will go with the flow.  Not like there is any real option (at least in our experience).

I do feel better equipped this time around.  I’ve been gathering ideas and information as we begin the deranged journey called adoption.

On my list already:

• Get binder in order – check
• Make 5 copies of licenses, passports, tax forms, birth certificates, and marriage license – check
• Submit application – check
• Transfer first large sum of money – check
• Make list of resources for financial help – in process

Phew, I forgot how just how much work this is…

Happy (Late) Birthday

Well, the munchkin’s birthday was almost a month ago, but hubby was moving the blog onto a new web host, then Christmas, so the blog got pushed to the back burner.  Sunita is a princess and charms all she meets.  The college students who have day-to-day contact with her at my work threw her a “surprise party”.

A picture of the me and (my best friend) wonderful hostess.  Thanks Auntie J.

She really enjoyed herself and the college kids went all out.  They are so sweet and got very clever gifts.  I suppose it doesn’t surprise me all that much – they just thought of what would make them happy and bought it for her.  After all, the difference between 20-year-olds and 2-year-olds is very small. =D

Can you tell how much she adores them as well?  I think her best friends are college students.

On her actual birthday (we celebrated with the college kids a little early) it was also her dedication at church. I know the picture’s a bit grainy; it’s really dim in church during winter.  I mean the one true Light shines bright, just not so much the ceiling lights.

Is that love or what?  After dedication and church we got to eat lunch with Hubby’s family at Granny’s (great-grandma).

Blow!  After her nap we had family and friends over to celebrate.  Sunita’s a book addict, so that was her cake theme this year.

I don’t know how many people will understand this, but it was a sad/happy day for me.  I am so happy that she is with her forever family and I feel SO blessed to have her as part of my life.  I was so sad for her Indian mom on that day though.  I thought about her a lot and wondered if she was missing her daughter.  I wondered if she felt an empty ache and longed to know her daughter.  I think birthdays may always bring those feelings up for me (and maybe for the munchkin too one day).  I wish I could thank her Indian mom.

Not to leave you depressed…

She really did like her cake, although I have no pictures to prove that.

There wasn’t much room to ride on her birthday.  Small living room + a few people = no room to breathe.

A great rocking chair.  She loves to rock (and roll).  In this picture she is very seriously using Daddy’s iPod.  There is a program on it where she can listen to animal sounds.  She loves it and knows how to get to it by herself.

She got another really cute outfit from Auntie M.  I have no good pictures of it yet, but I will get some.

Old man girl and her most favorite activity in the world – tea party (given to her by one of the college kids).  I have to say I would never have bought a tea party set.  It would not have crossed my mind.  We (most often her Dad and I, but whoever is around) have tea parties every … *&$# … day.  I kid you not.

And if you need a little smile, I hope this will do it.

One Year Ago…

Two days late is better then never, right?

Then.

Now.

We’ve celebrate you and love you baby (even when you wake us in the middle of the night – but that’s a story for another time).

The Day has Arrived

Sunita’s official US paperwork finally came through!  She is now not only part of our family but also a US citizen.  I think we are finally done with her adoptive paperwork (except the post placement reports we will have to continue to do for quite some time).  We will get her social security card and birth certificate in a few weeks, but as far as the government is concerned she is no longer our guard, but instead our daughter.  I’m so glad!  There are so many things to celebrate in an adopted child’s life – her birthday, the day she joined our family, the day we brought her home, and now the day her adoption was finalized.  With each celebration I look back and see just how ordained this process has been.

Heavy Thoughts on Adoption

I needed to update this post – I didn’t get the inspiration to write this recently.  In fact, I wrote the bulk of this post prior to actually getting Sunita.  I only posted it recently because I finally finished editing it (with some help from hubby as usual).

In a pre-sin perfect world, the best place for a child is with their biological parents.  As an adoptive parent, I fully believe that statement. But we don’t live in a perfect sinless world and there are too many children out there who need homes.

If only every child could grow up with the mother who birthed them and a family full of love. Those who are adopted are not “lucky”.  I hate it when people think Sunita is lucky to have us and to live here or to have been “saved”.  We are blessed to have her and she is blessed to have us, but her forever family (us) has come at great cost.  She, along with all adopted kids, have lost an essential part of being human.  An adopted child lost the mother  and father who gave them life, their history, the line of relatives that give families “glue” and commonality, along with the more practical, useful things like medical/genetic history. Now, not to be too blue, Sunita and other adopted kids are often well-adjusted and truly happy.

But many adopted kids do suffer from a typical set of stumbling blocks.  Because of orphanage life being what it is, Sunita like many others, was physically behind (the research seems to show that for every 3 months in an orphanage there is a 1 month delay in all aspects of growth and development).  At a year old she was at about a 9 mo old level and was wearing 6 mo clothes.  Often they are also emotionally delayed, just as kids can be physically or mentally delayed due to external sources.

This can often take the form of attachment disorder (AD). Orphanages often make this worse.  Kids who have intermittent care (often from a cycling order of caretakers) can fail to make strong bonds. This translates to these kids having a difficult time truly bonding with their adoptive parents.  Only time will tell if we will battle with this – at this point we are feeling good about our chances of avoiding it.  Sunita had bonded with her caretaker at the orphanage and seems to be thriving here.

I have included this quote and website because I think it does a good job of explaining what we will continue to be vigilant for in our adopted child’s life:  “It can take the form of a persistent failure to initiate or respond to most social interactions in a developmentally appropriate way—known as the “inhibited” form—or can present itself as indiscriminate sociability, such as excessive familiarity with relative strangers—known as the “disinhibited form”" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder).

As a preventative we decided to try and do as much of the caretaking ourselves to help form those bonds (as suggested in many adoption courses and books).  What this breaks down to is this: we became her everything, leaving little room for other people. We probably came across as selfish or acted like we didn’t trust our family and friends.  We just needed and still need to be the only ones who fulfill her needs to help the bonding process.  I can look back now after almost 8 months and see how challenging and rewarding this has been.  This has also been the hardest part of our adoptive process.  It often feels as though we are having to continually tell the people we love and who love her that “no, you can’t love her like that yet”, and that is HARD (even though our family and friends have been pretty good about it).  Very worth it, but hard.

Adopted children also often have stronger and more painful identity crises then the rest of us “normal” folk. After all, they have to not only become “not us” AND they also have to become “not their birth parents” to get to themselves. And who the heck are they really??? Talk about not fitting!  Any parent of any teenager will understand the depth to which their child seems to “not fit” (and not want to fit with their families at any rate).  But for me, that is borrowing trouble for a future that might not arrive so I won’t worry about it now.  But if your child is there, I so have compassion for you (whether home grown or adopted, the teenage journey can be rough).

“In adolescence, the adopted child is likely to have an increased interest in his or her birth parents. This open curiosity is not unusual and does not mean that he or she is rejecting the adoptive parents.” (http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/the_adopted_child).

Those of you who are near and dear, please know YOU can always respond by letting our child know it is okay to have interest and questions in their past before us, and when asked you should and can give what information you have about the birth family with sensitivity and support.   Please never make them into the opposition.  We plan on sharing as much as we know with our adoptive children, even if it isn’t a nice story.  Not only do we plan on always trying to be honest with our kids about their histories, but we will also grieve with them for what they lost and encourage whatever attempts they may have to learn about their birth parents and homeland.  I refuse to feel the threat that we will “lose” our children.  We will have raised them and for better or worse, we will always be family.

At this point you may be asking yourself, why would I choose to adopt if these are my feelings?

God gave me a dream when I was in high school that this was my call.  Thanks Abba, Father.

Bring Dorothy Home Quick!!

She’s unhappy because she isn’t yet with her forever family!  If you’d like to help bring Dorothy home, (she is from the same orphanage Sunita came from), see the website.

Warm Memories

A friend, Tisra (found at http://lifetrain.blogspot.com), is in process of adopting from the same orphanage we did and it stirred up wonderful warm, fuzzy memories for me.  You know the kind, where you think of them and they fill your soul with goodness.  Like a good cup of hot cocoa, or a favorite pair of slippers, the memories warm you head to toe and are sweet to boot!

Sunita Ruth has been with us for over 2 months now, and I’m so thankful she is in her forever family.  I feel like I have been using that word, thankful, A LOT lately.  And I’m thankful for that too.

I realized I had never posted the pictures we got along the way, before Sunita came home with us.  And I have never shared much of our India journey.  So, if you are interested, grab a cup of hot cocoa cause this might be a long post.

First pictures of our darling.

Our very first pictures of her.  She was about 6 months old in these.

She looks so small.  I am sad to have missed this part of her life, but am so glad that we are together now.

About 7 or 8 months old.  I still can’t believe that is her.  To me, that looks like a different baby, but everyone else sees the resemblance.

About 9 months old and that is definitely our baby girl!

At the orphanage, the day we picked her up.  16 days before her first birthday.  She is sitting in her daddy’s arms.  This picture will always tug at my heart.  That is her in body, but not in spirit.  She seemed so broken, so forlorn.  No smiles, no laughter.  Rajeev, our Indian coordinator summed it up, “She’s been in the orphanage, what does she have to smile about?”

These were the first toys we gave her.  Rajeev asked if we had any (of course we did, silly man) and to pick 2 or 3.  We had minutes to make the decision and it felt so hard!  The light-up toy (and it played music) was a hit (and good to have on the airplane ride), the rabbit was not.  We realized much later she had never really felt soft things and really was kind of afraid of the soft, furry objects at our house (including the cats).

The orphanage where she lived was large with nice grounds and a small playground out back.

The kids stood outside the room where we first met Sunita.  They kept peeking in and occasionally would say “momma” with a question in their voice.  I had to dissociate.  I couldn’t take it all in.  I still haven’t.  Sometimes, I still think of those girls and boys and wonder where they are or if they have joined their forever families.  The playroom was especially hard.

.

This is the playroom.  There were several adults in the room, but they didn’t seem to interact much with the children.  They kept motioning for me to put Sunita down so she could “play” but I couldn’t let go of her.  The other kids all need so much.  They come up to you and just want to be touched, to be loved.  They tried to climb on our laps or snuggle up to us.  There were so many.  Some were bright and interactive and some had some serious issues.  Some cried, some played, many slept.

This could have been Sunita’s bed.  I don’t know which crib she slept in, or if they each have their own.  They do have mosquito netting for the cribs, and most had sheets over the tarps but not all.

This is feeding time.  Three were in this circle (Sunita isn’t pictured).  The plate has dal (rice and beans with curry) on it which the caretaker mashed up and stuffed in. Round and round the circle she went.

She fell asleep in my arms that day.  (I wish she fell asleep that easily now =D).  Putting her down was the hardest thing I had to do that day.  I was in love and it felt SO RIGHT!  I knew God had answered my prayers to prepare my heart and was hoping He had prepared hers for us too!  I did have to put her down because we had lunch with Rajeev and the social worker who did the paperwork.  The orphanage prepared a lovely meal for us, and without looking at my journal I remember absolutely none of it.  I kept stealing glances at Sunita who was on the bed a little ways away.  The day we got her, is so big in my mind.  Because I have never birthed a child (yet, at least) I don’t know how it differs, BUT I do know this, I was a mother then.  Not by blood or by genes, but by the guiding hand of God and I loved that girl fiercly and do more so with each day.

She’s finding my eyes behind the spectacles.

Dad and her playing ball.

After being home for a month, we have bonded.  At least I think we have.  She has grown so much, and yet it has only been 2 months.  I know we have a long journey to go, but I’m so glad we get to do it together.